All dolled up for Date No. 29
For me, it was going on 30 dates in the last 14 months.
In the end, the big boon in the process has had less to do with the dates and more to do with the learning that's come with the journey - about myself, about relationships, about life. (Although the dates have been a ton of fun!)
So, here's the story: Last January, I went out with a man who was in Salt Lake to speak at an event for an interest we shared. Before he came, we'd made plans to go out afterward as colleagues and talk shop. Well, that conversation veered personal, and before I knew it, I was hearing almost daily via Facebook, texting, and phone calls from this amazing man more than a dozen years my senior who was, hands down, the most fascinating guy I'd ever met.
It was like a dream - after ages of feeling totally overlooked by guys, here was a well-known blogger and former diplomat with an amazing professional and personal reputation (even with his own Wikipedia page and an interview on the Mormon Channel's Why I Believe!!!) taking an interest in little ol' me. He was stunned when I said I hadn't dated much, and he complimented so many things I'd worried were liabilities, not assets - my intellectual curiosity, my enthusiasm, my ambition, my passion. I wound up flying to Los Angeles to go out with him again, and it was the best date of my life (up to that point, at least). To feel like I could match wits with and hold the attention of such an accomplished man did wonders. I joke now that he "unblocked my dating chi." Obviously that relationship went nowhere - shortly after my trip, he started chatting it up with his now-wife, although I did manage to squeeze Date No. 3 out of the deal - but it left its mark. Suddenly, for the first time, I had confidence in an arena I'd always considered an Achilles' heel.
And that confidence radiated.
In February 2011, I set the goal of going on 30 dates before my 30th birthday in August 2012. Because things stemmed from that initial January date, I counted retroactively from there. Mind you, I had never been on 30 dates in the prior 12 years of my dating life combined, so thinking I could manage 30 in 20 months was a stretch.
Little did I realize I'd finish a full five months ahead of schedule!!!
The cadence really was like a snowball - a few one-off dates through spring and summer, then a few each with two guys in fall/winter (along with more one-off dates mixed in there), and suddenly eight dates in the last month. It helped that I decided last March to really get out of my comfort zone and live, making the most of the 18 months standing between me and 30, whether it be attending brunch discussion groups in Provo (at which I met the guy responsible for Date No. 4) or asking a buddy on a double date to an art museum (Date No. 5) or being vivacious enough to catch the attention of a few guys from my ward. Some were friend-dates (including a few where I asked, like a casual lunch date with a longtime friend for Date No. 30), but most have been legitimate dates: the guy wasn't a buddy first, and he asked, planned, paid, etc. You know, the kind I could literally count on two hands before this year? It's been lovely!!!
In the mix were a few duds (who still were really nice, good guys - just not my taste), but the majority of the 17 guys behind the 30 dates have been absolute gems!!! I feel privileged to have spent quality one-on-one time with each, getting a glimpse into their worlds.
Like I said, the best thing to come out of this whole journey isn't so much the dates themselves, but rather the self-discovery process I've experienced. I am not at all the same woman I was one year ago! Here are some of my favorite lessons learned through the adventure (in addition to those I've already blogged):
There's No One Better to Be Than Yourself
Probably the biggest lesson to come out of this journey was how vital it is to just accept yourself, quirks and all. I remember being so anxious after one of the early dates because I felt so unsure after the fact, wearing my heart on my sleeve and being such a chatterbucket in stark contrast to my date, who was a blank slate. The next evening while out to dinner with my darling (and thoroughly no-nonsense) grandma, I gave her an earful about my insecurities, questioning whether it was a liability for me to be so intense and passionate, if that was something I should work to change. Her response was perfect - "Christa, that's just you. You've always been that way! It's not good or bad - it just is." Wow, how her words changed my world! Sure, there are always rough edges we could stand to polish and knock off - but there are some character traits that are innately us and that make us who we are. Could you imagine a Christa who isn't intense and passionate and talks a mile a minute, hands flying?! How boring would that be, right?! I just plain wouldn't be me. As Judy Garland wisely once said, "Always be a first-rate version of yourself instead of a second-rate version of somebody else."
It's so liberating to just come to peace with being who we are, for better or worse. Is that going to be a match for everyone? Definitely not. But will it attract the right person? Absolutely. My favorite of all the guys was someone who was actually a lot like me, from interests and tastes to mannerisms and enthusiasm. For crying out loud, we even phrased texts the same way! And what was so awesome was that it freed me up to be comfortably and perfectly myself, more than I'd been with any of the other guys. With him, I could be me in all my ridiculous glory (down to Wikipedia-ing the term for the smell of rain on pavement - petrichor, in case you were wondering - between bites of dessert) because he was the same kind of person. It was validating as all get out, not to mention ridiculously fun.
What Heats Up Must Cool Down
The biggest blunder I made along this journey was going on five dates with the same guy in one week. I've seen friends become insta-couples with success, so I didn't worry too much and got swept away in the moment. However, in hindsight, it was too much too fast. Not to use a cheesy analogy, but think of a microwave vs. a crockpot - one might heat things up in a jiffy, but microwaved food also cools off a lot faster than stuff simmered all day in a slow-cooker. Sure enough, I could sense him start distancing on Date No. 5 (which was supposed to be No. 2), and Date No. 6 included the "I'm not sure about this" conversation within an hour of seeing each other for the first time in nearly two weeks (I'd been out of town in between dates). Ironically, space was coming inevitably, thanks to a packed schedule ahead - I didn't have a free weekend for a month anyways - but... oh well. Chalk that one up to experience. No matter how much you want to see That Amazing Guy, just say no to more than one date a week at first, kids. Otherwise you risk burning out what could be a perfectly good thing with proper pacing.
There Are Lots of Frogs - But the Princes Make it Worthwhile (and the Frogs Make for Great Stories!)
Oh, dating. That old saying about having to kiss a lot of frogs to find a prince is, sadly, incredibly true. Well, or in my case, you have to wade through a lot of frogs online who aren't even worth a date, go out with a range of guys along the frog-to-prince spectrum, and occasionally find an amazing prince among amphibians. For every guy I actually went on a date with from online, there were probably at least five more who I communicated with to some degree without ever meeting, exchanging a few emails that never ignited much interest. There were a couple guys who flew their creeper flags right off the bat - one to whom I prematurely gave my number texted me on a random Saturday morning, asking me to text him photos (ummmm, NO. Never. I'd die first!), and another who IM'ed me and right off the bat asked me if being 5'10 meant I was all legs (!). These situations, while somewhat offensive and annoying, got more laughter out of me than anything. It's like, seriously?!?! Is this actually happening?!
But, in the end, every experience is worthwhile. The bad ones make for the best stories - my date on No. 30 and I were swapping some doozies and laughing soooooo hard!!! - and then the good ones are just plain delightful. The 30 might have included some of my worst dates ever, but more importantly, it included the best dates of my life, both in terms of magical moments and quality men. And there were a lot of average-to-good dates in there that I enjoyed, too, even if they weren't anything particularly special. I still had fun and learned a lot about people and life in general with all of them. One guy is a physics grad student, so talking with him gave me insight into this whole other slice of the world that I haven't touched since my freshman year physical science class, for instance. One guy got the label "Mutual Ambivalence" - we always had a lot of fun together, but he never followed up on his "I'll call you soon" pledge until we ran into each other again at something involving mutual friends, and I wasn't interested enough to be too concerned either way. It keeps happening to this day, and I just laugh afterward every time.
If you asked me to choose my favorite of the 30, it'd be almost impossible. I think the most glamorous and grandiose was definitely when I went to L.A. We went to lunch at this chic little Greek restaurant in Larchmont Village, a district of the city that this native Angelena didn't even know existed! Sitting at a sidewalk cafe with crisp white linens across the table from a fascinating man, ensconced in animated, scintillating conversation, was amazing. The memory still brings a grin to my face! After lunch we drove around West L.A. to the place my date swore had the best fruit tarts in all of Los Angeles - and I think he was right. I'm not a big fruit tart fan, and these things were delicious!!! The date was three hours of total fun, and I thoroughly enjoyed that interlude for all it was worth.
However... I still don't know if that was my favorite. The most magic came toward the end, connecting with one of the guys on a deeper level. The what's of our dates were great but nothing over the top - dinner at some delicious restaurants, swinging on swings at my office's playground, going to a movie or a planetarium laser show. But what brought magic was clicking and just plain having fun. Seriously, I did not realize dating could be so carefree and easy and thoroughly fun until our dates!!! No nerves, no stress, no drama - just pure, unbridled joy and enthusiasm.
That whole interlude changed my dating game forever. Now I know how great dating can be - being treated well, having a solid chemistry and connection, enjoying the journey, come what may. Never again will I be able to settle for what I thought dating was before, because I can see that I am worth so much more - and that I can find someone worthy of my reciprocity, too. Oh, and what everyone said it being clear when a guy's interested? Totally true. You really don't have to wonder when it's someone worth your time because he'll seek you out. It whet my appetite to have that kind of experience again, and I can't wait to find it in a way that'll stick forever someday. That insight and lesson alone made any and every tear and frustrating moment among the 30 worthwhile.
Kind of funny how the two stand-out experiences ended up being bookends, huh? Ah, the poetry of it all. As much as I love writing... well... let's just say that my best stories write themselves, and I'm just along for the ride. Sometimes things play out far more perfectly than I could ever have scripted them.
1 comment:
I can't believe I'm the first to comment. This is gold! Thanks for sharing your insights. It just goes to show that sometimes we have to learn the great things about ourselves through experience, even though our friends have been saying them to us all along. Best of luck with the next 30, and may a charming and well-deserved prince be among them.
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